The Cover Letter That Almost Got Me a Job

Dear Sir or Madam,

My resume, I feel, and I think you may agree should you take the time to look over it, has a very nice layout. It looks sharp and the left handed column of achievements adds a certain savoir faire, if you ask me. The font, sizing, and spacings are respectable and even, quite possibly, very professional. When printed on that parchment-like paper in which ink seems to languish upon it veritably pops. My resume, however, just isn’t my friend in this particular instance.

For example, nowhere on that suddenly questionable document does it state that I spent some time as an assistant teacher to lovely group of second graders while attending a magnet school for the performing arts, studiously learning to differentiate strophe from antistrophe, commedia dell’arte, Russian realism, or even that troubling bout of Theatre of Cruelty; nor does it make mention of twenty-six credit hours in a college semester devoted to theater studies with active participation in four separate performance pieces. Also missing from this increasingly nefarious attachment are my occasionally lauded writing (, should you be interested) and editing credits (, or of that one instance of being acknowledge as being in the top one percent of student actors in Georgia.

Not that my resume is entirely lacking. It shows that nice, old faction of Phi Beta Kappa honors society, the proud inclusion of a Mensa membership, and the co-writing and acting in two award winning short films. But, that’s just not quite enough, is it?

Herein lies the rub: on paper, I’m not your man. But, in practice, in physicality, in reality…

To wit:

Minimum Bachelor’s Degree in Music, Theater, Education or related field.
Sadly, I fail you here. I’m short a degree, but not on knowledge.

Music, performing arts, or theater production background is desirable; knowledge of opera a plus.
My theater background is plentiful and ongoing. I’ve never lost interest in the arts and, while my knowledge of opera is not as extensive as I’d like, I can tell you that I wish Donizetti had written more than one really nice aria.

At least 2 years work experience in Education, Community Outreach, or Customer Service.
Twenty years in retail, I feel (after what seems forty years in retail), covers all of this in manners not even imaginable by people who have not worked extensively in retail.

Excellent written and oral communication, including public speaking.
You should hear me speak. You really should. Though not quite basso profondo my deep tones evince a warmness that is worth noting. My diction and enunciation should not be overlooked, either.

Patience, flexibility and friendly attitude.
I can, upon request, supply character witnesses of people that don’t like me that will never denote a lack of these attributes. These three points are ingrained in my philosophy.

Ability to work with many different kinds of people in potentially stressful situations.
Twenty years in retail sales and management. Ask me in for an interview and I’ll tell you some stories that you, as a reasonable human being, will doubt fully their authenticity.

Strong organizational and problem-solving skills.
I love solving problems. I like resolving situations. I enjoy work that requires thought. I do, however, believe that a messy desk is a working desk. Piles make sense to me.

Ability to meet deadlines and manage many projects simultaneously.
One Thursday in March of 2007 I had an hour-long lunch break with no phone calls to resolve any issues requiring my attention. I spent those moments in Ruby Tuesdays over sliders feeling a bit lost.

Good sense of humor and grace under pressure.
At the risk of hubris, I’ve got that. Ask me about that Heisenberg joke; it always makes me laugh.

All else aside, I’m interested. I long ago decided that art will always have a place in my life, regardless of what pays the bills. I’d like, very much, to blend my personal draw to the arts and my professional life. The aspect of incorporating a mantle of educator only sweetens the pot. Not calling me is a potential disservice to us both. I hope you’ll consider a man of resonant voice and thought that may not seem (on paper) to fully fulfill the parameters presented.

I attach two examples of my writing as I figure, “in for a penny, in for a pound.” I pray my ‘voice’ of these pieces does not invoke any sense of limitations, as these were written with other goals in mind.

Thank you (sincerely) for your time,

Category(s): Reading and Writing

One Response to The Cover Letter That Almost Got Me a Job

  1. I would’ve hired you and never looked back. Well played sir.

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